


Painless

by LovetheOmni



Category: Loveless
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Child Abuse, Deathfic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-04
Updated: 2006-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-03 17:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovetheOmni/pseuds/LovetheOmni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ritsuka’s mom just can’t accept the fact that Ritsuka has ‘forgot’. She’s convinced that this Ritsuka is fake. All she wants is for him to disappear. All he wants is to make her happy. Rated for Abuse. oneshot (Old fic; Posted on ff.net on 08-04-06)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Painless

_"Death is painless. It's life that hurts."_

"Ritsuka!" I heard my mom coo from outside my door. "It's dinner time! I made something special!"

"Alright, I'm coming!" I answered, opening my door and trailing behind her down the stairs and to the kitchen.

I always feel uncomfortable eating around mom. She always tries to test me, making me dishes that "Ritsuka" hated but I like. I don't know what "Ritsuka" would say because I'm not him. He disappeared around two years ago. Apparently "Ritsuka" just forgot, leaving me here in his place.

Why did "Ritsuka" have to go? Why did he leave me here instead of him? I don't think I'll ever find out.

When the time comes that "Ritsuka" returns, I might forget just like he did. So I take pictures of everything I want to remember so I won't forget the moments in my life most precious to me.

If he does come back, I will gladly disappear so that he can come back. After all, it's what mom wants. She wants me to disappear…

I sat down at the table and glanced down at my food. I instantly got a little nervous. I had never seen this dish before. I wasn't even quite sure what it was.

I saw my mom looking at me from the corner of her eyes. She was waiting for something. I instantly decided that the best thing to do was pretend I hated it. Maybe it was one of "Ritsuka's" least favorite dishes.

I timidly ate some before my mother had a chance to blow up in my face about it. It actually wasn't quite bad, but I made an unpleasant face anyway.

"You don't like it?" mom said in unreadable tone. I gulped. Had I made the right decision?

"No. I don't," I said, strongly. There was no going back now. My heart-rate was going so fast.

Mom paused and her eyes were unfocused. I knew I had chosen wrong.

"But this is your favorite food…" she murmured. I felt a chill run down my spine and I braced myself for the yelling that was sure to start very soon. " _My_ Ritsuka would have never said that. You're nothing but a fake! Give him back!" She stood up before picking up her empty plate and throwing it at me.

I held my hands up as a reflex as the glass plate shattered over my head.

"Why do you look like him? You're not him! Give my _baby_ back to me! GO AWAY!" She threw me to the ground and I barely fought her off.

This was my sin and I was paying for it. I shouldn't be so selfish as to stay here while "Ritsuka" is gone.

I deserved to be punished.

"You're not my Ritsuka!" mom bellowed again, throwing another plate at me. "Ritsuka would never act this way! Give him back to me!" I flinched as another blow landed on my face.

The blood rolled down my chin and this time I felt like one of my ribs had been broken. She kicked me in the stomach and I spat up more of that crimson liquid that was now soaking my clothes.

"First there was Ritsuka, then Seimei!" mom screeched. "I've lost everything!" she yelled, as her eyes overflowed with tears. "And now I have you as a reminder of how much I've lost!" She kicked me again. "You're just a fake! Nothing but a fake!"

I started crying too. Had I really caused mom all this suffering? I gasped and it felt like my lungs were collapsing. I dared to open the only eye that I could to stare at my mother's face hovering directly above me. My eye widened upon seeing the item she held in her hand.

Mom had found the kitchen knives.

All of a sudden I knew that this was the last time. I knew it was one of my last moments on earth. I was terrified… but I also felt a bit relieved.

This would be the last time that I'd have to put up with mom's games. It would be the last night of me crying out in pain just because I was me and not someone else.

This would be the last time that I would see my mother cry.

I wonder, if I could've, would I have taken a picture of her standing over me like that? It was certainly something to remember. But would I want to remember something like that? Perhaps I would.

After all, it's the positive _and_ the negative memories make us what we are. You can't always block out everything bad and let in everything good. It doesn't work that way. I know I would never forget this moment if I had the choice. Not for anything.

Mom stared me in the face, and I stared at her. She didn't even hesitate to raise the knife slightly before slamming it down brutally, right into my heart.

It's weird that the part of the body associated with love is the heart. I suppose that's why it hurts so much when you pierce something all the way through it.

I choked up more blood again, and I felt my body slowly starting to die. My vision was starting to fade to black, even though my eyes were still open. My heartbeat had slowed. I was dying.

"Mo… mmy…" I uttered. "Did you ever love me, for even just a little bit?" I smiled sadly at her through my tears and whispered "Ritsuka says he loves you too."

I think she heard me, because she fell down to her knees and started wailing loudly.

I wonder… was she crying for me, or was she crying for "Ritsuka"?

It's almost sad to think that I couldn't even take a photo to help me remember this moment. Because once I blacked out, I would never remember anything again.

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a short little one-shot I created one night. It didn't take that long to write. It's actually pretty close to the anime, so that made it easier. But tell me what you think. Too sad? Not enough emotion? I'll let you decide. :3


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